If you have trouble with the locals
You can call the embassy
We’ll send a navy boat to fetch you
If you’re a solo yachty lost at sea

We’ll endeavour to evacuate our nationals
If there’s foreign strife
And we’ll help to fetch your loved one home
If in a disaster they lose their life

If they have you up on dodgy charges
We’ll make strong representations (most anywhere)
And if you did the crime, we’ll try to arrange for you
to do the time - here, rather than over there

But while we care for each and every one of you
There’s someone we care for more
And for those of you who get between us and them
There can be something different in store

So if you get caught up with the US forces
Don’t bother to give us a call
You might already be in another country
Before we get around to do anything at all

Rest assured though, we’ll have frank discussions
And evaluate their case
But really, is it likely that we’ll believe you
Rather than the States?

We would advise you though, to cooperate
Its always easier, and anyway
you know we don’t like whingers
So chin up and enjoy your stay

Know that you are held by a defender of justice
(some might even apply if you were on their soil)
But apparently there’s only enough for their citizens
And there’s that relationship we don’t want to spoil

And if by oversight they let you go
Don’t look to us for an apology sport
‘cause while you might be one of our citizens
Its clear you never were our sort.